His Voice, Her Thoughts.....

Death Grip

2009-10-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

Most of the time and in most situations, I'm quite guarded about sharing the longings and depth of feeling in my heart. There seems to be an assumption (on my part) that it is "unacceptable" to unmask the beast, so to speak. It isn't that I'm not authentic, I suppose I'm just not fully authentic for fear it would scare most people away. There is likely some wisdom to that.... knowing the "time and place" to be fully exposed emotionally/spiritually. I would say that this phenomenon I experience is the cause of a certain sense of loneliness amongst believers.... fully functional, active believers can quite honestly feel very, very alone.

My Uncle, my mom's only sibling, was the model, stereotypical, highly-praised Christian man. He was single, devoted to music ministry, a gifted pianist, and a missionary t'boot. He owned umpteen bibles, umpteen cds, and umpteen Christian books. He had scripture scribbled EVERYWHERE....on post-its and note cards all over his house. By any typical church standard, he really had it together.

A few months ago, I received one of the worst phone calls of my life. I had gone out for a long jog. In fact I ran more than 4 miles that particular day. I was exhausted, but in a good way. I love to jog alone, with no music, and meditate or talk to the Lord.. As I was walking up to my front door, my oldest son greeted me with a look of distress on his face. He said, "Uncle Cary is dead, mom. Uncle Cary is dead. You have to call Aunt Stacia." I immediately thought he had a heart attack or there was a terrible accident. I called my sister who was crying and could hardly speak. She handed the phone off to my brother-in-law who told me that Cary had taken his own life. I honestly don't know how actresses do it, because I don't think I could ever replicate the horror that instantly came out of me. I have never made those sounds nor have I ever cried like that before. I was overwhelmed by grief, sadness, and deep, deep despair. How could this have happened? How could this be real?

The weeks that followed were just full of things that no one wants to do or experience. Since he was single, my sisters and I went through his personal things basically, so my mother wouldn't have to. We sorted through the typical junk and stuff everyone has in their house. In our pilfering, we came across his personal notes and journals. They were full of despair. Such sadness, grief, anger, and despair. He was disconnected from the body......isolated and alone. Did he reach out? Did he try? I am convinced that his heart was so guarded, that no one knew the depths of his authentic self. No one was allowed in for assumed rejection or disdain. What a torturous place to be.

I really haven't known what to do with a lot of my feelings towards my uncle. If it is one thing I've learned about death, it is that life doesn't stop for it. My kids and my husband have all needed me at the same rate as before my uncle died. Once I returned home, there were meals to cook, lessons to teach, and laundry to do (as always). I pressed on with the immediate, not knowing how to process the past. I thought I would just "move on," but every now and then I'm overcome by the loss of him. He was such a gift. An amazing gift to this world. Why didn't he know it? He was surrounded by love. He just couldn't see it.... He just couldn't see it.

For Real?

2009-08-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that my kids are so "conversational" at bedtime... well, tonight Jenna's question was: "So, are you naturally my mother?? Or was I lost or something and came to you guys? ....like I was lost in the woods or something?"

For real?? Glad we got that cleared up by her 7th birthday.

10 again

2009-07-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had a jogging date with my next door neighbor, Alisha. We haven't ran together in a while and I was looking forward to having a conversation with a human while getting my exercise. We left a few minutes early because it looked like rain, but that never deters us anyhow.

Honest to God, half a mile into our run in DOWNPOURS. I mean horizontal, pelting, stinging rain. We were screaming, laughing, and soaked. COMPLETELY soaked. We were offered a ride by a creepy old man, but decided to take cover under a stranger's doorstep for a few minutes until it stopped. We soon realized that it was NOT going to stop and the only option was to run back home in the pelting, stinging, horizontal rain. Again we laughed, screamed and looked utterly ridiculous I'm sure.

I got back home, left my clothes in a pile in the kitchen and ran for dry clothes. My wet clothes left a huge puddle on my kitchen floor........I totally couldn't believe how much water I was wearing. By the time I got changed I looked at the clock - 8pm. I looked outside - clearing and sunny, no rain. The original time we were supposed to jog?? 8 o'clock. For real?? Sure called that one wrong!!

I think God knew that today I needed to run in the rain, laughing and screaming with a girlfriend just like we were ten all over again. It did my soul good.

True Love

2009-07-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

I always spend some snuggle time with each of my kids at bedtime. Since I have FOUR, I have to psych myself up for it a lot of times. I get tired and cranky and just plain tempted to skip it. The thing that keeps me going is that it seems everyone is contemplative at the end of the day, and some of our best "talks" and questions come out then. Well last night, out of the blue, Jenna turns to me and says, "Mom... I'd rather die than you ever have to die."

Wow. She's six and I think she just tagged the meaning of True Love.

All Shook Up

2009-07-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

I suppose that title sort of sums up my insides lately. I wish it were just a cute reference to an Elvis song, but not so. I have just felt off. Insecure, rattled, vulnerable, scared, and needy. I absolutely hate feeling those things, by the way.

There is nothing like a trip to the bottom of the pit to remind me what "trust," "rely," and "refuge" actually mean. Those words seem so trivial when all is right with the world (or my world, rather).

I don't know...

2009-06-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, really. I don't know what my problem is. I get out of the blogging habit and then I just can't get started again. It's like ignoring a messy room. The longer you shut the door, the harder it seems to open the door and just clean it already! So, maybe by posting the short, uninformative, and dumb blurb I will feel like I "started" blogging again :-)

Still going, "hmmmmm."

2009-04-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

" 'I've learned that any time my success depends on another person's response, I will manipulate them.' "

Authentic Relationships
W. Jacobsen

manipulate (v.): To influence people in a clever way so that they do what you want them to do.

Try replacing the word "success" in the above quote with anything that comes to mind... like: happiness, feeling of acceptance, status, fulfillment, etc. Sheds some light, eh?

4th child syndrome

2009-04-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

Seth: "They're destroying my life!"

Mom: "Who's destroying your life?"

Seth: "They are!" (as he points to his brothers and sister....with his middle finger no less)

Oh boy. This kid has a long road ahead of him :-)

He planted as we planted

2009-04-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

As I was planting some starter flower seeds inside with my kids today, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes in an "AHA!" kind of way. Those moments, no joke, are gold to me. The presence of God. His Voice. His Touch. His Wisdom. His involvement and Mercy in my life. These things are priceless. They are worth more than any tangible thing this world has to offer. I savor those moments. I cherish them. I don't want to EVER take them for granted.

So as I'm tediously helping the little ones plant seeds, my spiritual understanding was awakened to the physical analogy that I was staring at. God likened my children to seeds. They are packed with life in their current form. They are curious. They are industrious. They are eager... They want to touch. They want to see. They want to try. Life is present, but it can be snuffed out if the right conditions do not exist.

Seeds need warmth, moisture, and soil to begin the process of germination. Homeschooling is about providing the "right atmosphere" for learning to flourish and understanding to grow. I can shove a seed in dry soil in the scorching sunlight and demand it to grow if I want, but I'm not going to get the results I desire. God knows my children... He knows what conditions are best for them. I'm willing to lay down my agenda and start listening to His.

The Hammer Speaks

2009-04-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

If you're alive in the year 2009 and you homeschool, you'd have to live in a cave to not know how many curriculum choices are available. It's kind of how I feel at the grocery store sometimes, but worse I guess. Every single curriculum "brand" has its reasons for being the best and the answer to all of your homeschool "needs." I've been at this a while now and in my experience, there is usually a grain of truth in all of them.

So, What to do?? Well, I've often heard from wise homeschool veterans that a curriculum choice is only a "tool" and not your master. I've heard it many times over the last six years, in fact.. or so I thought. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I think I really heard it for the first time today.

I've been meditating on the written works of Maryln Howshall a lot lately in my search for truth. My conversations with God have been centered primarily on education... what it means, what it is, what it isn't. He's been speaking to me so sweetly and faithfully. Just when I think I'm a total washup, He'll show me how hope is not lost.

As I was going about my day, really not thinking about anything, the idea of a tool came to my mind... a hammer, specifically. In a split second it occurred to me how ridiculous it would be for a hammer to dictate to a carpenter what he should do next. I even pictured a sort of cartoon hammer talking, giving instructions. In that second I felt as if I "got it" on a deeper level. I, the mother, through the inspiration and guidance of the Holy Spirit, am authorized by God to set goals for my children. Those long-term goals will help me decide which tools to pick up along the way, just as a design will dictate which supplies are purchased and which tools are needed to complete the job. You see the focus isn't the tools, but the LONG-TERM process of reaching God-ordained goals through growth of character, skills, understanding, and abilities. This simple realization brought such relief and freedom to my soul.

The society we live in brings with it so many distractions from what really matters... eternal things. The homeschool world brings its own set of distractions and entanglements. Freedom is what I long for and it hasn't seemed to come without a fight.

No strings. Really?

2009-03-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

Motives. Such tricky, sneaky, and deceptive buggers they are!! I've been thinking about motives over the past few days. What I mean is, I've been asking myself, "Self... why do you do the things you do for your (fill in the blank) husband, kids, family, friends, neighbors, etc.?" You see, I've noticed that it is really easy to assume that I'm doing something out of a pure heart. BUT..just when I don't get the response, recognition, or appreciation I think I should get from my lofty kindness and generosity, I think the TRUE story unfolds and it becomes obvious who (or what) I'm really serving. For example, say I generously donate many of my possessions to a family member in need. Two weeks later this person calls to see if I want to meet up for a cup of coffee. I say, "Great!" assuming all the while that they want to take me out to thank me for my goodness towards them. Well... what if they never say even a word of thanks?? What if they don't even offer to pay for my $1.88 cup of coffee?? Will I be hurt? Will I feel slighted??

I think when I truly give with no strings attached, then I am free to do it happily NO MATTER WHAT THE RESPONSE. What was that? Oh yeah, NO MATTER WHAT THE RESPONSE.

Now, the above scenario has never exactly happened, but versions of it definitely have. I hate that. It's stinky, filthy, and full of impurity. I don't want to give to get. I don't want to give to influence. I don't want to give to manipulate. I want to follow Jesus and let Him sort out the rest. I just don't want to fool myself anymore.

Meow??

2009-03-23T20:18:00.001-07:00

The older I get, the more I've noticed that God tends to speak to me through his creation and the natural order of things. So, a funny thing occurred to me a few days ago....

We just recently adopted 2 cats from the Humane Society. I have never EVER owned a cat before and I was very nervous about it. I grew up with dogs and my husband and I had a dog a few years ago which turned out to be a very negative experience for our family (another story for another time). I seriously thought I NEVER wanted to own another pet again. And I really thought I hated cats. I had never met one that I liked. They always seemed snobby or mean or creepy or something. There was this one cat that my husband's family owned when we were dating. This psycho cat used to attack my long hair. It would launch out of no where and attack my head, scaring me to death in the process. Anyhow, my daughter.... my only daughter really, really, really wanted a cat. So, after a year or so of begging, I gave in.

Well, guess what?? I love my cats. Seriously. I am totally a cat person. I was thanking God for this the other day because I had really prayed that he would direct this second pet attempt. I just couldn't feel like a pet failure again and damage my kids in the process. So while I'm thanking God I suddenly realize that I love those cats because I "get" them. I am like a cat in some ways. God wired me to really like to interact with people... to talk and play and laugh... BUT THEN, I really need some solitude. I need to be alone with God and with my own thoughts. I guess to refocus or rejuvenate or something. That's how my kitty's are. They'll come out of wherever they've been sleeping to see what's going on. To watch me cook, play with each other or play with one of the kids. Then, after an hour or so of interaction, they're back in their hiding places. I know it sounds silly, but God really helped me understand myself a bit more by giving me this analogy.

Who knew? I have the personality of a cat.

me,me,me,me,me,me..

2009-03-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

"Most people treat others as their servants, trying to get out of them whatever
they need to be happy."

W.J.
authentic relationships

Digging deep

2009-03-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

"We cannot do for others what hasn't already been done for us.
Remember, Jesus' words to his disciples were to love one another in the same
way he had loved them. His words hold true for you and me
today. You cannot forgive others if you are not experiencing God's
forgiveness for you. You cannot serve others unless you know that God is
providing everything you need. You cannot live in kindness to others until
you see God's kindness toward you. In that sense the one anothering Scriptures are
less mandates to obey than they are descriptions of what love frees us to
do. ....That security in God's love is what will free you to live a
one anothering
life."
W.J.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the issue of control. Controlling seems to be the opposite of what Wayne would call, "one anothering." When I am attempting to control other people, my kids, reactions, or circumstances, I can see how that behavior is rooted in fear and is very self-centered. Fear, I suppose, that God isn't going to take care of me and isn't going to meet my needs...therefore I must take the bull by the horns and do it myself!!! Oh, how subtle this lack of trust can be. It is so easy to blame it on the ill-behavior or selfishness of other people. I think being free means not having to look out for myself anymore or fight for my own "rights." When I don't have to do that, I'm freed up to focus on other people instead of myself all the time. I think that right there might be worth anything I "think" I'm giving up by serving others.
"A self-centered life is its own punishment."
W. J.

The original design

2009-03-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

"If you have ever shared friendships with others-focused people, you know
what a treasure those friends are. They take an interest in you just
because they care. Their concern is not tied to their own needs and
desires in the relationship. Their care for you demands nothing in return
and rejoices just to see you blessed. They open their life like a
book and let you read it freely. You don't ever have to guess what they
are thinking, because they will come right out and tell you, and they make you
feel safe enough so that you don't have to pretend with them. They offer
their counsel freely but never demand that you follow it. They give you
the freedom to disagree and the flexibility to do things differently from how
they would do it without ever compromising their love for you. Almost
without thinking they would give you the shirt off their back if they knew you
needed it, but they won't always give you everything you want. They look
past your faults and celebrate your promise and offer their help to get you
there. ....Such friends find their origin in God's heart. No one can
love so freely whom God has not first loved deeply."
Wayne Jacobsen

Truly free people have no problem letting other people be free. Am I that free??

Things that make you go, "Hmmmmm."

2009-03-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

So, I'm reading this book right now and God is totally speaking to me through it. So much so, that I can't read very much at a time. I read a little bit and I just need to stop and digest the words slowly. I get really excited when this happens, because frankly, every book I go to read is not like this. In fact, for about the last year I have read less than ever before because I sensed God urging me to go to his word ON MY OWN...without the words of another author. This has helped me to become more and more confident in my own ability to learn from God's word by myself (well, with the help of the Holy Spirit, obviously).

Anyhow, I thought I would take a few days or weeks or whatever it turns into to post the tid-bits that I'm chewing on as I read. So, here ya go:

"Even though we want close relationships, we subvert the desire by
holding people at arms length. Poised to protect ourselves from hurt and
disappointment, we think the best solution is to look out for ourselves.
There is no better strategy than this for ending up alone and isolated while
comfortably blaming others in the process."
Wayne Jacobsen

anyway

2009-03-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and new enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

-----------------------------From a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhavan,
-------------------------------------a children's home in Calcutta

God has been literally burning my insides with the realization that HE ALONE is who I serve..... no matter what kind of treatment or response I get from others. It is amazingly freeing and un-complicated. This poem floored me because it confirmed so many things that I've been experiencing and resisting, all at the same time.

Not so sorry.

2009-03-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

It has occurred to me lately, that I've started censoring the things God is teaching me. You know, softening it up a bit so as not to offend.......or maybe just trying to not sound so "crazy." Sometimes I think that's my beef with blogging. It takes so much effort to be "me" in a way better, politically correct version when I blog.

In the famous words of Dr. Phil, I ask myself... "So how's that working for ya?" I think you know the answer..

So, here's the gist. I have been born again by the power of an awesome, living God. He deposited in me a part of himself known as the Holy Spirit. That Spirit, which IS God, communicates Truth to me in a way that I can get it. My journey as a follower of Christ is dependent on listening to that Voice. I'm floored that an all-powerful God wants to make himself personally accessible to me. Crazy, I know, but it's true. Want to know what else is crazy? If you're born again, the same stuff is happening inside of you. I don't think I'm a preacher. I don't think I'm special. I don't even think I'm always right. I just think that being a "Christian" is that real, that relevant, and that personal.

So from here on out, in my attempt to not be a complete and total blog failure, I plan on sharing my own experiences with Him.

Really?

2009-02-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

My second-born son is celebrating his birthday today w/ grandparents and aunts. One of his grandmas and two of his aunts went in together and bought him Guitar Hero World Tour. Seriously, I was fixing my hair listening to them singing "Eye of the Tiger" and "Livin on a Prayer." I thought I was going to crack up... SO STINKIN FUNNY!

It all comes down to this...

2009-02-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

Almost 12 years ago I gave birth to my very first baby. In my heart I really wanted to have a boy. I grew up around all girls.....two sisters and mostly girl cousins. Everything about being pregnant the first time around is special...the attention, the clothes, the doctor visits, the nursery, the baby shower. There is so much anticipation and excitement AND without having anybody to take care of but myself and my husband, I had time to soak up that excitement. I had prayed in earnest for a baby and even written letters to my future children. Being a mother was all I really ever wanted (aside from marrying Prince Charming :-) God blessed us with a boy the first time around... and not just a precious, amazing boy, but a precious, amazing boy born with red hair... RED hair! We instantly fell in love.

As fairy tale as that all sounds, getting used to motherhood was at times more like a horror story. Me on no sleep and whacked out hormones is not a pretty picture. Learning to care for another life awed me. I didn't want to mess anything up. My child deserved perfection and I was going to try my darnedest to give it to him! I read parenting book after parenting book and prayed..a lot. Deep down, I knew that my mistakes would be many and that gnawed at me.

My how the years fly. In some ways, after more babies came, it all seems like a blur. I look at my oldest baby and I just don't understand how he got so big, so fast. He reminds me regularly that he is almost a teenager (because he knows I hate it) and I think I've lulled myself into thinking that I could continue to train him as if he were still my young child. Well, he's not.

During a regular homeschool day this week, Josh seemed very emotional about a subject. I continued to press him as to why he was getting so upset. A little digging caused a much deeper issue to surface. At first I was annoyed (this is "interrupting" school, you know) and then I realized that this was exactly what God wanted for our day. You see normally, I patch and fix everything for my kids. I'm "supermom" (as I tell them) and I seem to always have "the answer." I have no problem answering with, "I don't know," sometimes, but I have a knack for always resolving the matter somehow (so I think). In the midst of trying to encourage Josh, I got a very strong sense that right now, right here, things are different. I could clearly see the Josh needs to start depending on God ALL BY HIMSELF. I CANNOT remove his fears, I CANNOT convince him of things, I CANNOT KNOW GOD FOR HIM. But I want to.

You see, getting to know God is a very imperfect and windy road. It is amazing, it is hard, it is confusing, it is illuminating. I can't believe we're at this place, already. All the control I thought I had comes down to this....

trusting God to be Himself for my son. Oh Lord, why is that so hard?

Myth Buster

2009-01-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking of how my last post could be construed as a "Beaver Cleaver" kind of family experience. I decided to bust that myth because that is in no way what I meant about the recipe for true family. Let me explain...

Last Sunday was filled with lots of experiences and interactions between my family. We laughed, we yelled, we got mad, we made up. We cooked a big breakfast at 3 in the afternoon. It was fun, it was boring. We did end up having to leave the house. My kids discovered they could text each other using Nintendos and I let them.

It wasn't picture perfect and we didn't sing around the campfire. We DID learn more about each other, about tolerance, about love, about forgiveness. And we're learning about it together. My dream is that our family's function won't be handed over to the entertainment that comes so easily in our society. We're bonded not by perfection but by the experience of learning about each other in this petri dish called family. In my opinion, that is worth fighting for. Honestly, sometimes, I feel like I'm in a war.

Be still.

2009-01-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

It is nearly 1 pm on Sunday afternoon. I am still in my pj's, wearing glasses, and my hair hasn't seen the likes of a comb today. My kids have probably asked me 10 times what we're doing today and they didn't like my response: NOTHING. I pointed out the constant flood of activity that went on yesterday... the friends they saw and games they played all throughout the day. They replied, "Oh," in a semi-surprised tone as if they had already forgotten about yesterday's entertainment.

So our agenda today is to be still. No noise. No tv. Nothing outside coming in. Just us.. each other. Spontaneous conversations. Nothing contrived or pre-planned. My recipe for true family.

Note to Self..

2009-01-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

If I charge my own mp3 player, I wouldn't have to listen to Alvin & the Chipmunks, Miley Cyrus, or H.S. Musical tunes while I workout. Just a thought :-)

Numb

2009-01-21T20:42:00.000-08:00

Obviously, from my month-long silence, I have had trouble being motivated to write about anything lately. I don't even know what I'm going to write about now, but I figured maybe if my hands hit the keyboard that something would come out. I think it is kind of like exercise, the hardest part is getting started...

Writing is sort of a love/hate relationship for me. On occasion, it has been a wonderful creative outlet for me and has helped to organize my own thoughts and beliefs. I have had so many "ah ha!" moments of my own while writing. On the flip side, it can just seem too emotionally taxing for me to put my thoughts on paper. Most of the time I am my own worst enemy and talk myself right out of it.

So, here I am. Sort of numb, sort of empty, willing to give it a try once again....

The past few days have sucked (sorry if that shocks you). I have wondered if God is there. I have wondered what the flippin heck is taking so long for our "situation" to turn around. I am tired (sick AND tired to quote Bill Cosby) of waiting. I have been angry. I have cried. Cried really hard. I have wondered if I like people at all anymore (very Christian, I know) and I feel as if I don't know anything for sure either.

So, I am empty of tears and empty of much emotion. I am simply waiting to hear the Voice in the calm that can make it all better.

Well, I guess that's a start.

Twice is Just as Nice :-)

2008-12-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

I've been blessed not once, but twice recently with FREE concert tickets from my dear friend, Sunny Side of the Street! Tonight I enjoyed an awesome night of Christmas music from various Christian artists. This concert just happened to include one of my major favorites, Sara Groves. I LOVE her! I also got to hear several new artists, all of which were amazing in their own unique way. Seriously.........there was so much talent on that stage!! Oh yeah, let's not forget that I was included in another photo with a famous band....this time Jars of Clay. I am so grateful to my Sunny Side friend... not only is she a dear friend and great company at a concert, but she has managed to make me aware of CURRENT Christian artists..... and that was no easy feat for this dark ages gal! Thanks for including me, Lisa, and spreading the joy. It was even worth running through the rain for :-)

The meaning of idolatry

2008-12-05T21:51:00.001-08:00

Jeremiah 5:22-24 (amplified version)

"Do you not fear and reverence Me? says the Lord. Do you not tremble before Me? I placed the sand for the boundary of the sea, a perpetual barrier beyond which it cannot pass and by an everlasting ordinance beyond which it cannot go? And though the waves of the sea toss and shake themselves, yet they cannot prevail (against the feeble grains of sand which God has ordained by nature to be sufficient for His purpose); though (the billows) roar, yet they cannot pass over that (barrier). (Is not such a God to be reverently feared and worshiped?)

But these people have hearts that draw back from God and wills that rebel against Him; they have revolted and quit His service and have gone away (into idolatry). Nor do they say in their hearts, Let us now reverently fear and worship the Lord our God, Who gives rain, both the autumn and the spring rain in its season, Who reserves and keeps for us the appointed weeks of the harvest."

There have been some very upsetting things happen to me, personally, over the past month or so. Challenges have come that I did not foresee nor did I expect. Hurts have come from people that I never thought of as my "enemy." During this time of emotional hardship, I can look back and see myself searching for something to soothe me... something to alleviate the pain. There are two things that stick out as sort of "abnormal" for me. I have spent more time shopping and watching t.v. than I normally EVER do. Now, I do not see those two things as evil in and of themselves. Shopping is necessary (and fun) and I enjoy a bit of t.v. every now and then. But this was different. I knew there was an ache inside. There was a deep wound. I needed to make it feel better... NOW.

Lucky for me this does happen to be the Christmas season and I did go shopping for gifts that I would've bought anyway, but I never, ever want to turn to something other that my Savior to heal my broken heart. I never want to expect something dead to produce life. It is the same thing in my mind and bringing an offering to the golden, man-made calf thinking, "This will do the trick, I just know it. If I bow down to this statue my trouble will go away. If I bring a bigger offering than normal, things will surely improve..... "

It's crazy, really. Just as crazy as turning my attention to anything other than THE LIVING GOD for help... you know, well-timed help in times of trouble. In this passage of scripture, God makes it clear that He's the one with the creative power going on here. Why does my heart run to something else for help? Why do I "draw back" from Him sometimes just when I need to sprint towards Him?

I recently read a few fictional accounts of some Old Testament stories by an author named Gilbert Morris. He painted an amazing picture of what the culture was like during Noah's day and Abraham's day. I never realized how intense the idolatry rituals were and what lengths the people went to in attempt to "please the gods." It seems so absurd to think of putting your trust for anything into an inanimate object......or does it?

So, I was just wondering........what does the word "idolatry" mean to you?

C-O-L-D

2008-12-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

Snow is just so fun..... at least the first few times it arrives anyway :-) The kids were begging to go out from the moment they discovered it this morning. We made it through our morning lessons pretty well and then it was off to shovel the drive way and romp around in the snow. After more pleading and begging, we made an impromptu visit to the nearest sledding hill. It was the best kind of hill ever.... an EMPTY hill :-)

We trudged through the snow with 4 children in tow, two of them wearing very tight snow suits from last year and one of them without proper boots. Oh man, it was SO fun! The kids were hilarious to say the least. Jenna and I were dragging up the rear on the initial climb up the ginormous hill when she inquired, "Mommy, why can't we just sled UP?" I, of course, did my motherly duty and promptly explained gravity. Ironically enough, Seth asked the same question of his brother, Zach when they were at the bottom of the hill. You see, Seth was thrilled on the way DOWN the hill, but as soon as he "landed' and discovered he had to RE-climb the monstrous incline, he cried and begged for a ride "up." Sledding up seemed like a logical solution to him. There's just something about a tiny kid all bundled up in snow gear with crocodile tears flying out of his eyes that makes me melt.

I assure you that my heart was the only thing melting. The wind was whipping on top of that slope and it was still snowing. We made it about 45 minutes until my feet felt like ice blocks and everyone's gloves were soaking wet. All in all, it was a successful first sledding run. Before we go out again, we need 2 snowsuits, 2 pairs of boots and 2 more sleds. Those darn kids are always growing!

Rewritten

2008-11-29T20:15:00.000-08:00

I've written this post in my head at least 3 different ways during the last several days. My Thanksgiving has encompassed a full gamut of emotions, to say the least....

For the first time ever, I hosted a Thanksgiving dinner. My mother-in-law was not feeling up to it, so I offered to have my husband's family over to celebrate the holiday. Much to my own surprise, I ended up loving every minute of it. My husband deep-fried 2 birds which was quite a relief to me. I enjoyed watching him research it all out, looking up recipes & techniques. The kids also enjoyed it tremendously. Seth named his turkey, "Rock Star" and Jenna named hers, "Sparkles." Don't ask... I don't get it either :-) I hope to never erase in my mind the picture of all my kids gathered around 2 naked birds in my kitchen, each taking turns injecting them with butter using a honking-huge syringe. They LOVED it. We tend to turn everything into a learning experience and this was no exception.

I had the distinct impression that this holiday was especially important for my family. I could just tell that something was being knitted together in us as we worked side by side, preparing a mega-feast for our extended family to enjoy. Suddenly, we've turned a corner. My kids are of the ages now, that it's no longer "mom & dad doing all the work while the kids run off and play." They are old enough to really help. They worked HARD (seriously), helping make the house and food ready for the big Turkey day. It really was a team effort.

I cannot express how much joy this brought me. It's not just about me "finally getting some help." It's much more about us enjoying life together, making memories together, learning from one another, and building family relationships. I want them to have fond memories of making holiday preparations together, knowing that their contributions to that effort mattered. Each one of them brings a special dimension to our family that no one else can duplicate. I had a deep sense that we were "building" something very important and foundational, something that our kids would always want to come back to and be a part of.

The dinner itself was a huge success. I learned many things about cooking, including some definite "what NOT to do's." All of my guest brought a dish, and there literally was enough food to feed an army (or the Massasoit Tribe). It has taken many, many years, but I finally realized that it's not about the "perfection' of it all... it's about the "heart" of it all. My house wasn't perfectly clean (I didn't even mop my floor!) and the food wasn't all perfectly hot, but we all enjoyed each other's company and shared stories and laughter. I was (FOR ONCE) perfectly content with that!

After the official Thanksgiving Day, I was able to spend some time with my (the Brister) side of the family. I had the rather rare opportunity to spend some time with my younger sister and my dad. We were driving to the store together and I sat in the back seat, listening to my dad tell some stories about his father. It's amazing how my quiet and reserved father loves to tell stories about his family's history. Anyhow, I found out that my dad's dad's mom (a.k.a. my great-grandma) was under a lot of pressure to get an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with my grandpa. Her husband (my great-great grandpa) had Tuberculosis and was in a Sanitarium. My great-grandma had nothing and this was during the Great Depression. Her 2 sisters were pushing hard for her to abort the baby, saying there was no way she would make it with no husband and no job. My great-grandma refused and miraculously got a job as a house handmaid for some people. My great-grandpa eventually improved and got to come back home and they had three more children together.

I was literally awe-struck by this story. What if she'd done it? What if she'd given in to hopelessness? What if she had no faith? My grandpa would've been killed in utero, my dad wouldn't exist, and neither would I? Our entire family history could have been rewritten. I was overcome with thanksgiving in realizing that God has had His hand on our family for a very, very long time. It gave me a new appreciation for my great-grandma, "Ma." It must've been hard for her to stand up to her sisters, not knowing what would become of her or her baby. I had the privilege of knowing my Ma Brister, since she passed away only a few years ago. This whole story gave me some sort of new courage... to do what's right in God's eyes no matter what, knowing the He is my Hope and realizing that my decisions will affect the generations that follow. We are writting history..right here and right now. I want to be that "Ma" that courageously obeys the Lord in the midst of major uncertainty. That's the legacy that I want to leave.

I must say, I'm so thankful this year for a multitude of things...

Obedience...yet another obligation?

2008-11-25T22:57:00.000-08:00

OK ya'll. Sorry if I'm boring you, but I just haven't gotten off this train yet. Wayne Jacobsen's book entitled, "He Loves Me! Learning to Live in the Father's Affection" is speaking loud and clear to me these days. Sometimes I'm rather awed and stupefied by how backward my own thinking is. Here are a few excerpts I've been chewing on:

"The motives of conformity do not produce intimacy....We think conformity to God's ways will lead us closer to him, when the opposite is true. If we focus on our own fears and performance, he will seem more distant. It is only by living in the security of God's affection that he is able to transform us."

"I am not saying that the fear of God is wrong, only that it is incomplete. It is the first rung on the ladder to knowing God in his fullness. He said himself it was the beginning of wisdom, but it is only the beginning. Love is the end product of wisdom. If you don't love God, you would be well-served to fear him. At least that might keep you from behaviors that will destroy you and others around you. But once you know how much he loves you, you'll never need to fear him again. In other words, this Father doesn't just seek your obedience, he desires your affection. He can have your obedience without your love, but he knows where he has your love he will also have your obedience."

"One can obey God and yet not trust him, and in doing so miss out on a relationship with him. One cannot, however, trust God and be disobedient to him. For we shall see that all disobedience flows out of mistrust in God's nature and of his intentions toward us."

" 'God is good. You are bad. Try harder!' ...the observations of a fifteen-year-old summing up an evening with her youth group."

God is way bigger than obligation.

Really awesome...

2008-11-24T18:56:00.000-08:00

OK, I am not getting paid for this post. But I just have to say that I had a really awesome experience today at a place call, "Portrait Innovations." We had a great photographer who took tons of time with my family, which made my heart sing. I absolutely get anxiety when I think about going to an overcrowded, "cattle herder" photography studio around the holidays.... especially when I want a NICE picture of 6 people!

I felt like the girl taking care of us actually cared as much as I did about how good my pictures turned out. She understood the process of working so hard to get everyone looking nice at the same time and she valued the work I had put into the day, even though she doesn't have her own family yet. She actually HELPED me choose the best photos in order to stay in my price range. She was AWESOME!

Did I mention that I actually came home with all of my portrait packages and my Christmas cards? Yep... all ready for ya in 30 minutes or so. Gotta tell you.......the old-fashioned idea of kindness, caring, and work-ethic rate pretty high in my book. Blessings to Ellyse, the sweet photographer who made this Christmas season that much sweeter for me.

Obligation. I MUST write about it.

2008-11-23T23:11:00.000-08:00

Obligation: (n.) That which constitutes legal or moral duty, and which renders a person liable to coercion and punishment for neglecting it.

Can I tell you something? I hate that word. Everything about that word has a negative connotation to me right now. Late this evening, I finally got a chance to sit down and look through the Sunday sales papers. As I was flipping through I just got a sense of dread come over me. I realized that so much of our gift exchanging is "obligatory." Eww. That ugly word again. I wondered, as I looked, how many people that normally buy ME a present actually want to. I mean, really. I'm not looking for pity or hinting around for Christmas gifts or anything, but I will describe for you what genuine gift giving means to me.

In my opinion, it means that someone is so touched by my presence in their life, that they automatically feel compelled to be kind to me. They notice what I like and dislike because they've spent time getting to know me, and something within them longs to do something special for me..... just because I'm me. When someone is touched by love, the knee-jerk reaction is to love back. To "give" back, to "care" back, to "be there" back, to "console" back, to "cheer up" back. I absolutely LOVE to shop for people and look for little things that I think they would like....to surprise them with a thoughtful gift that comes from the heart.

You want to know what else I hate (I know, I'm on a role)? I also hate the whole "money spending" tally thing. You know, making sure you spend the same on all the cousins, or equal amounts on the grandparents, etc. To me, how can you measure a heart felt gift in dollars and cents like that? For one person, the thing you just KNOW they'd love might be a whopping $15. For someone else it might be $40. I hope you get my drift. I just feel so bound up with all of these obligatory rules, gift-giving do's and don'ts. It literally sucks the joy right out of it. I mean, how special do you feel when Aunt LuLu buys you a pair of $15 slipper socks that you'll never wear to fulfill her Christmas List obligation? What are we giving those gifts for???

Something I just read a few nights ago really struck a chord. Let me quote:

"It's tragic really. Those who are willing to substitute the demand of obligation for the power of affection have not tasted the latter in any significant measure. I have observed all over the world that those who discover the depth of the Father's affection for them and learn to live in it find greater passion for Jesus and freedom from sin and are more engaged with the world than anyone driven by religious obligation."

by Wayne Jacobsen in "He Loves Me. Learning to live in the Father's Affection.

I'm all about seeking the "genuine" right now. Genuine "love," genuine "care," genuine "following," genuine "discipleship."

Genuine: (n.) Real, natural, true. Free from anything false, or counterfeit. Pure.

mercy me, I'm a V.I.P!!!

2008-11-14T12:04:00.000-08:00

Well, it is official.... it's not "what you know," but "who you know." In the world of bands and band groupies, I will forever be known as "Sunnyside's friend." Let me explain...

Last night, my very thoughtful and awesome friend, Lisa Mongold, treated ME to a "mercy me" concert in Naperville. Not only did I get to hear music live and in person that I normally worship to in my kitchen, but I also got to hang out (yes, that's right) with the band after the concert. Like I said, it's all in who you know.

It was a night I don't think I'll ever forget. The music was even better than it normally is in my kitchen :-) What wonderfully talented people they are!! I always completely enjoy watching musicians in their element. I love their mannerisms, the expressions on their faces, and their entire attitude as their gift is pouring out of them. Some people are just born to be a vessel for music. It is clear and evident when they do what they do best. I LOVE it. What a tribute to our Creator and His own amazing abilities.

So thank you, Sunnyside, from the bottom of my heart, for an unforgettable evening of worship and "groupie" fun. You ROCK!

Under New Leadership

2008-11-07T10:26:00.001-08:00

With the talk of a new presidency, new leadership, and change to come, it got me thinking. Basically, my experience so far in this life has shown me that the world values things like "making it to the top," & "being in charge." Be a leader, not a follower. Things like that.

I'm not disputing that leadership is important and "too many chiefs and not enough Indians" is no way to run a company or whatever. BUT, the kingdom I live in doesn't work like that. So, I ponder, what does it mean to follow. Have I allowed the world's standard to invade my thinking and give that word a negative connotation?

Actually, I was listening to some teaching and realized that my current struggles were born out of the fact that I want to drag God with me wherever I want to go, instead of follow his lead. Gee, sounds to me like that will cause some definite tension. I knew something wasn't right, but I hadn't put my finger on it.

I'm coming to realize that following is really what I've wanted all along. I don't have to have all the answers or always know what to do. I simply follow.

Some thoughts from the passage in John 10 about the Good Shepherd:

"After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. They won't follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don't know his voice." ".......Those who come in through me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures. The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."

follow: To go after or behind; to walk, ride, or move behind, but in the same direction. To be guided by someone or something.

I'm Ready for Something New....

2008-10-29T09:38:00.001-07:00

This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies---
they lie down and then can't get up;
they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do somthing brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
rivers in the badlands....."

Isaiah 43

How about you?

Old Friends, Great Perspectives

2008-10-27T09:20:00.001-07:00

I had the pure joy of spending the weekend with some dear, long-time friends of mine. My girlfriend from elementary school married my husband's childhood friend and now they have three beautiful kids to show for it :-) These friends are my "fun" friends. We see each other about once per year and we laugh constantly for 2 straight days. I always feel about 18 years old when we're together. That is, until one of the 7 little kids runs in the room and interrupts my "flashback" fantasy world.

My girlfriend is going through some rough times. She just got "let go" from her awesome part-time job because of company cut backs. I listened to her fears and did the best I could to love on her. At one point she was showing me some recent family photos that were taken of her entire in-law side of the family. We were oooing and ahhing over how great they were and then she made a profound comment. She said, "They're just such an awesome family. They are always right there to help, whenever there is a need.........no matter what."

I've been pondering that ever since we got home. What an incredible sense of "family." What a gift..........to be loved and to know that love. To be scared but know that there will always be someone there that's got your back. In the midst of her struggles, this reality brings her comfort. She has experienced the beauty of real family.

In the Moment

2008-10-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Isn't that hard to do........just be in the moment? It seems my mind wants to be worrying about the future, figuring out the present, or contemplating the past. Today one of my children helped me realize what it means to be "in the moment."

We were reading our history read alouds this afternoon for school. Our passage was several chapters in Exodus, where Moses is continually going to Pharaoh (on behalf of God) to request he let the Israelites go into the wilderness to make sacrifices and worship God. The Pharaoh obviously refuses many, many times and so God demonstrates his power through various disasters and plagues. The kids and I were really into the story (Josh kept making sound effects to embellish my reading). We were deep in discussion about the Egyptian culture and how Pharaoh (and his people) believed him to actually BE a god, and how God kept making a point to say, "I AM GOD." It was so cool how certain disasters would cover everything in Egypt EXCEPT Goshen (where the Hebrews were). I was just thinking out loud and said, "Man, what would it have been like to be one of God's chosen people then?" And without skipping a beat Zach said, "It would've been so fun, mom."

I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear when he said that. To me, that is a heart that is living in the moment. A heart that sees the adventure in following God, watching and waiting for God to show up in the midst of disaster, uncertainty, and storms. I know I'm partial, but I think that boy may be on to something :-)

Instead of being stressed because I can't figure out how a situation is going to work out, I'd like to see it for the adventure that it is: another opportunity to see God's grace and power on behalf of his grateful child. I think maybe then, the joy and beauty of any given moment won't be so easily stolen by grief and worry.

Ahh......A New Beginning

2008-10-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

It has been way too long since I've had my own blog. Writing provides an outlet for me and it helps me shape my own thoughts and beliefs as I attempt to put them into words. I am really looking forward to sharing the churnings of my heart as I'm reading various books. It is not uncommon for me to have several books going at once, all of them influencing me in various ways. I am especially hoping that this blog will serve as an extension of a book club that I am part of (hint, hint girls). I invite all the ladies of our group (a.k.a. Her Heart for His Kingdom) to use this format as an extension of our discussions, available every day of the month. I will also likely post our "group happenings" somewhere on this blog...if I ever get it all figured out. So, here's to a new beginning and a broad horizon, lined with books as far as the eye can see.