I don't know...

Ok, really. I don't know what my problem is. I get out of the blogging habit and then I just can't get started again. It's like ignoring a messy room. The longer you shut the door, the harder it seems to open the door and just clean it already! So, maybe by posting the short, uninformative, and dumb blurb I will feel like I "started" blogging again :-)

Still going, "hmmmmm."

" 'I've learned that any time my success depends on another person's response, I will manipulate them.' "

Authentic Relationships
W. Jacobsen


manipulate (v.): To influence people in a clever way so that they do what you want them to do.

Try replacing the word "success" in the above quote with anything that comes to mind... like: happiness, feeling of acceptance, status, fulfillment, etc. Sheds some light, eh?

4th child syndrome

Seth: "They're destroying my life!"

Mom: "Who's destroying your life?"

Seth: "They are!" (as he points to his brothers and sister....with his middle finger no less)

Oh boy. This kid has a long road ahead of him :-)

He planted as we planted

As I was planting some starter flower seeds inside with my kids today, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes in an "AHA!" kind of way. Those moments, no joke, are gold to me. The presence of God. His Voice. His Touch. His Wisdom. His involvement and Mercy in my life. These things are priceless. They are worth more than any tangible thing this world has to offer. I savor those moments. I cherish them. I don't want to EVER take them for granted.

So as I'm tediously helping the little ones plant seeds, my spiritual understanding was awakened to the physical analogy that I was staring at. God likened my children to seeds. They are packed with life in their current form. They are curious. They are industrious. They are eager... They want to touch. They want to see. They want to try. Life is present, but it can be snuffed out if the right conditions do not exist.

Seeds need warmth, moisture, and soil to begin the process of germination. Homeschooling is about providing the "right atmosphere" for learning to flourish and understanding to grow. I can shove a seed in dry soil in the scorching sunlight and demand it to grow if I want, but I'm not going to get the results I desire. God knows my children... He knows what conditions are best for them. I'm willing to lay down my agenda and start listening to His.

The Hammer Speaks

If you're alive in the year 2009 and you homeschool, you'd have to live in a cave to not know how many curriculum choices are available. It's kind of how I feel at the grocery store sometimes, but worse I guess. Every single curriculum "brand" has its reasons for being the best and the answer to all of your homeschool "needs." I've been at this a while now and in my experience, there is usually a grain of truth in all of them.

So, What to do?? Well, I've often heard from wise homeschool veterans that a curriculum choice is only a "tool" and not your master. I've heard it many times over the last six years, in fact.. or so I thought. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I think I really heard it for the first time today.

I've been meditating on the written works of Maryln Howshall a lot lately in my search for truth. My conversations with God have been centered primarily on education... what it means, what it is, what it isn't. He's been speaking to me so sweetly and faithfully. Just when I think I'm a total washup, He'll show me how hope is not lost.

As I was going about my day, really not thinking about anything, the idea of a tool came to my mind... a hammer, specifically. In a split second it occurred to me how ridiculous it would be for a hammer to dictate to a carpenter what he should do next. I even pictured a sort of cartoon hammer talking, giving instructions. In that second I felt as if I "got it" on a deeper level. I, the mother, through the inspiration and guidance of the Holy Spirit, am authorized by God to set goals for my children. Those long-term goals will help me decide which tools to pick up along the way, just as a design will dictate which supplies are purchased and which tools are needed to complete the job. You see the focus isn't the tools, but the LONG-TERM process of reaching God-ordained goals through growth of character, skills, understanding, and abilities. This simple realization brought such relief and freedom to my soul.

The society we live in brings with it so many distractions from what really matters... eternal things. The homeschool world brings its own set of distractions and entanglements. Freedom is what I long for and it hasn't seemed to come without a fight.

No strings. Really?

Motives. Such tricky, sneaky, and deceptive buggers they are!! I've been thinking about motives over the past few days. What I mean is, I've been asking myself, "Self... why do you do the things you do for your (fill in the blank) husband, kids, family, friends, neighbors, etc.?" You see, I've noticed that it is really easy to assume that I'm doing something out of a pure heart. BUT..just when I don't get the response, recognition, or appreciation I think I should get from my lofty kindness and generosity, I think the TRUE story unfolds and it becomes obvious who (or what) I'm really serving. For example, say I generously donate many of my possessions to a family member in need. Two weeks later this person calls to see if I want to meet up for a cup of coffee. I say, "Great!" assuming all the while that they want to take me out to thank me for my goodness towards them. Well... what if they never say even a word of thanks?? What if they don't even offer to pay for my $1.88 cup of coffee?? Will I be hurt? Will I feel slighted??

I think when I truly give with no strings attached, then I am free to do it happily NO MATTER WHAT THE RESPONSE. What was that? Oh yeah, NO MATTER WHAT THE RESPONSE.

Now, the above scenario has never exactly happened, but versions of it definitely have. I hate that. It's stinky, filthy, and full of impurity. I don't want to give to get. I don't want to give to influence. I don't want to give to manipulate. I want to follow Jesus and let Him sort out the rest. I just don't want to fool myself anymore.

Meow??

The older I get, the more I've noticed that God tends to speak to me through his creation and the natural order of things. So, a funny thing occurred to me a few days ago....

We just recently adopted 2 cats from the Humane Society. I have never EVER owned a cat before and I was very nervous about it. I grew up with dogs and my husband and I had a dog a few years ago which turned out to be a very negative experience for our family (another story for another time). I seriously thought I NEVER wanted to own another pet again. And I really thought I hated cats. I had never met one that I liked. They always seemed snobby or mean or creepy or something. There was this one cat that my husband's family owned when we were dating. This psycho cat used to attack my long hair. It would launch out of no where and attack my head, scaring me to death in the process. Anyhow, my daughter.... my only daughter really, really, really wanted a cat. So, after a year or so of begging, I gave in.

Well, guess what?? I love my cats. Seriously. I am totally a cat person. I was thanking God for this the other day because I had really prayed that he would direct this second pet attempt. I just couldn't feel like a pet failure again and damage my kids in the process. So while I'm thanking God I suddenly realize that I love those cats because I "get" them. I am like a cat in some ways. God wired me to really like to interact with people... to talk and play and laugh... BUT THEN, I really need some solitude. I need to be alone with God and with my own thoughts. I guess to refocus or rejuvenate or something. That's how my kitty's are. They'll come out of wherever they've been sleeping to see what's going on. To watch me cook, play with each other or play with one of the kids. Then, after an hour or so of interaction, they're back in their hiding places. I know it sounds silly, but God really helped me understand myself a bit more by giving me this analogy.

Who knew? I have the personality of a cat.